Dangit

A month and a half ago I began taking a certain medication. Two weeks into it I got laryngitis, along with a constant headache and nausea, and sometimes vomiting. The laryngitis left, but the latter symptoms continued daily for over a month-I'm still feeling them, just not as frequently. I believe it was this new medication that was causing the symptoms. And prior to this med, I had tried four other meds for the same purpose that did not help me. Finally, this med seemed to help. And of course the one medication that helps me makes me sick. That is just my luck. So I have no choice but to wean off the med.

Another thing that this medication helped with was my energy. The other medications that I take completely suck the life out of me. (Although the alternative-not taking any meds-would be much much worse). I was taking frequent naps until this new med kicked in. I didn't quite notice the change in energy though until I started the weaning process. Because now my eyes want to close every chance they get. I'm not necessarily exhausted, but when I stop moving I start falling asleep. So sitting here to type, or watching TV, etc...makes me tired!! It's really weird because I do not feel tired until I do end up sitting down for a while. It's so annoying! It's hard enough to function with my pain without having to worry about falling asleep every two seconds. I don't even remember it being this bad before, so maybe once the meds leave my system I'll feel more alert. Hopefully. Prayerfully.

So if anyone has been wondering where I've been lately, it's at home. I can not get out in the morning. I give an honest effort, but it's too difficult. Getting myself ready is not something I enjoy doing because it takes so much energy and uses up my meds. But I can't even do that until I can get myself off the couch in the morning. My medication has to kick in before I can do anything. That's why Ryan gets Raiden out of bed and makes him b'fast and all that before leaving for work. And it isn't worth it for me to go anywhere. I can't even walk across the street to take Raiden swimming at Ana's without being miserable by the end. Yes, if I was able to just be alone and float in the pool it wouldn't be an issue. But floating is not involved when I am chasing Raiden. Pain is involved. I did that one time and it was so bad I decided I'm never doing it again.

I do enjoy getting out in my new (new to me) car when I can. Driving is so enjoyable in it! Plus, I have my handicapped pass so I don't have to stress my back as much. The heat makes my pain worse, so the remote start is awesome for cooling down the car a bit before we even get into it. But our mini excursions don't usually happen until late afternoon.

I am having a hard time accepting that this is my way of life now, because I hate being that person who doesn't get around to anything until the day's almost over. But I really don't have a choice right now. So when I do get myself and Raiden out of the house, which isn't more than once a week when a Dr. appt. isn't involved, it doesn't happen until 2-3 in the afternoon. Sometimes it's less often than that when I have had someone else take Raiden out for me. Because then I feel less pressure to go somewhere. And that's when Ryan comes home and says he's getting me out of the house- he makes sure I'm not cooped up for too long. Then I have to find myself something to wear, which is difficult to do these days, so I can have a date with my husband. Which I end up being grateful for once I'm out, even though at first I would have preferred to stay home.

And all of what I wrote above is another reason why no one sees me anymore. I'm totally Debbie Downer lately. I never want to be that person. But I am also tired of putting on pretend smiles. Because I've learned that I have to practically be sobbing in order for my doctors to truly believe that I'm pain at all.

I get comments that it doesn't really seem like anything is wrong with me because I act so normal...i.e. how could I be in all that much pain? Because, you know, someone in pain should be like screaming and stuff. When you deal with it day in and day out, you learn to function. (If you didn't learn to function, things would be pretty darn bad!!) Think of it like this: When you are in labor, you are in excruciating pain as it progresses. And maybe you are given SOME pain meds, but not an epidural. You cry and have trouble dealing with it. But it's kind of a one-time thing (or maybe two or three...ha.), so you aren't really used to dealing with that pain. But now imagine being in labor every day. Maybe not all day...maybe the pain fluctuates, but it is every day. And you never get a "fix" for the pain (which in the case of labor is the baby coming out! ha). Your pain meds help control it a little, but you still feel it. Now, since it isn't a one time thing anymore you must learn to function with it. Because you have a family and a life to deal with. And to a certain extent it becomes your body's new normal. So you don't scream and cry any more or moan or whatever it is that you do in labor. You just rest when you can or when it's really bad, and the rest of the time you just function with it. You talk to people like normal, you go grocery shopping, you go out with your husband, you cook, you clean (rarely), you sleep (sometimes). You even smile.

Not that I'm comparing my pain to labor, but I thought that is one thing that hurts really bad that most women I know have gone through and can relate to. :) Unless you've had an epidural before that bad stuff began. Ha!

Ok I am not sure if any of this made sense, and I am not really feeling like doing any editing right now, so thanks for putting up with my stream of consciousness post.