Yes...

...these are things that go through my head:

Next time you feel like your life sucks, compare it to mine.

My birthday is on Friday, but there is nothing to celebrate. I'm in exactly the same spot I was in when I turned 24. Except fatter. This phantom has ravaged my body.

I am a control freak, and I have no control. After this last medication screwed me up, I still feel sick sometimes and I can hardly walk on the treadmill from being down so long. See, I had worked up my endurance years ago before the pain got bad. And now that it's bad I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it back.

If I had cancer, no one would think twice about me taking pain medication. And don't tell me not to think like that. Not that I wish I had it, but at least there's a diagnosis and treatment for that. At least doctors don't stick their thumbs up their butts when they hear you have the dreaded C-word. They don't treat you like you're possibly crazy and making it all up. They willingly do tests, and sometimes even worry about you. But when they don't know what it is, they don't seem to believe it truly exists.

This isn't just about me. It affects how my whole family lives their lives.

I am so incredibly grateful for all of my friends who take care of Raiden sometimes. It's not like just having some babysitter- he is always in loving hands.

Don't tell me that my rib pain and my arm pain are not connected. The latter became much worse when the former surfaced. Those nerve groups are right next door to each other and obviously interconnected. One is obviously influencing the other. Come on.

If my doctors tell me one more time that TIME (uh, hello, 2.5 years has gone by!) will heal my nerves, I swear I'm going to tackle every single one of them to the ground. My case is obviously more severe than that.

I can just see this turning into 5 years, and then 10, and then me getting old and never finding an answer .

I have the choice of taking very strong pain meds, or none at all. So the choice is to be miserable some of the time, or all the time. I choose to be miserable some of the time.

I am not being negative. I tried to be positive for two years. But if YOU were in pain every day for 2 1/2 years, you would stop putting on the face as well. I haven't started being negative, I've just stopped being fake. In fact, some people are just realizing now how bad it is, and that (the above) is why.

It's not enough for me to TELL my doctors that I'm in pain all day, that it is ruining my life, my family's lives, etc. I had to finally break down in his office. And yet I still think he doesn't truly get it. I am not 86, I'm 26. When I'm being treated alongside the 86-yr-olds, obviously something is wrong.

I get it, I'm supposed to be grateful for the simple things. Like walking or sitting up for long periods of time. (Because right now, even thinking about walking around Disneyland hurts). So then why do I have to put up with this any longer? I've learned what I'm supposed to learn from it. Time to move on.

I hate every healthy person (ok, maybe it's more like jealousy). Even more, I am angry at every person who takes advantage of their health by eating like crap and not exercising, yet they still live without pain. For the vast majority of the 80% of Americans who have back pain, they just need to get off the couch, do some back & core exercises, and stretch. If you don't have strong muscles to support your joints, ligaments, tendons, etc etc, then you're going to pull/tear/strain something. It's only a matter of time. I have been exercising since I was 12, so this did not happen to me due to inactivity. So, dear doctors, don't lump me into that group.

I get angry that this is preventing me from living my life. I try not to think about it, but I really want to give Raiden a sibling. I want lots more kids, but I doubt that will happen. I know I would also have a rotating group of clients that I'd be training in my gym, and I'd love it. I love helping people feel better about themselves, and it would be a great supplement income. Especially with all of my medical bills.

Some days I am willing to put up with the stress that getting out of the house puts on my body. Other days I am not. This is why I don't tend to make plans ahead of time. But people are welcome to come to me (if I am dressed.). Ha.

I don't ever want to hear, "This too, shall pass," because it makes it sound like one day this will become an insignificant blip on the radar of my life. It will never be that way. First of all, I have a hard time believing this will ever go away. I can't even remember what it feels like to not be in pain. But if it does get fixed one day, it will forever affect my life and how I live it. There are sports and activities I'll never do again, my son will never get back these years of seeing his mom like this, my marriage is affected, etc.

I don't want sympathy or advice. Just understanding, and sometimes a person to vent to. Thankfully, Ryan is wonderful at both of those things.